What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 10:28
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Who then, do I blame.?
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My life is so biszare .
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why do some people have sex with dogs?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was very sick at this time too.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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One cannot live in the past .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
All the time i was locked up.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So whats the point in blame.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was in good health!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But, we were locked up after school.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So, i spoilt her more .
But it wasn’t much.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I think the readers, may guess!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I don,t even have a pension.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Would this be the day?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And i lived it daily.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She loved him until the end.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was seconnd youngest,
She married twice! .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Put me off passion for life!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Especially a lifetime of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I said to her
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
What did i know ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
When she asked me how she looked .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is soul school!.
She wouldn,t have been !
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We all went to grammer schools
I will be 64.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ive learnt so much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was scared of men, in general
It was going to be , some day.
I have no regrets .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.